If you’ve ever found yourself at a loss for words when trying to say something uplifting to your Spicy One™ I want you to know something.

You're not alone.

Affirmations have been on my mind as I filled out letters for my college freshman to open when she’s feeling lonely or sad.

And it’s a familiar theme in my DMs.

And just last week, one of my IRL friends reached out asking for ways she could affirm her teenager that would actually land.

The only words that came to mind were the ones she had a lot of practice with: “Thanks for doing your chores without being asked.” Or, “I love how you check on your friends.”

But those felt anemic – and maybe a bit focused on her as the mom. The one who decides what is good. She wanted to know how to word things in a way that touched her child’s heart.

There are at least a couple reasons for this common experience of not knowing how to deeply bless the goodness in our children.

Firstly, it wasn’t modeled for us. We don’t have the language and muscle memory (yet!).

Secondly, our society is adult-centered, and even praise is often weaponized to get children to comply with the grownup’s agenda. And, like everything else for our Spicy Ones, their BS meter seems to be calibrated to extra sensitive (in this case to being manipulated).

So what can moms like us do to chart a new course in our families – one that sees and affirms the developing positive character qualities we bear witness to?

Our words often become part of our children’s inner voice.

How can we help our children begin to notice and celebrate the things that are worth blessing around and inside them – and feel comfortable feeling positive emotions about themselves and others?

Here are some quick tips:

Start with simple observations – what are some actions you’re seeing from your child? What are some positive, pro-social behaviors you’re noticing them start to practice?

Dig into each one (for yourself) and try to identify the character trait and quality that made that action possible.

It’s tempting to say, “good job cleaning your room!” Or, “good job telling the truth!” And just leave it at that.

But if we start to go a little deeper and name what is underlying the behavior, it can help us expand into a more robust affirmation of their character — with concrete examples they can really sink their teeth into.

“I noticed you didn’t push your brother back earlier, even though you might have been feeling angry. That shows a lot of self-control. You are kind, even when it’s hard.”

“I saw your text to let me know when you arrived at Joey’s house. I feel like you do what you say you will. You’re trustworthy.”

In this exercise, focus on finding common themes and threads in their life. This helps them learn to reflect on and admire the ways they are growing and maturing more and more into the kind of person they were made to be.

And…practice! Like any new skill, this takes time to develop.

You’re doing important work here, and I want to affirm your desire to show up for your children in this way.

It’s not always easy, but you are not alone!

Last week on *Instagram: A Blessing for Moms of Spicy Ones!***

For the spiritually-minded among us, I wrote a nondenominational blessing for Moms of Spicy Ones like you to celebrate Kayla Craig’s (@LiturgiesforParents) new book, Every Season Sacred. See the prayer below!