No one likes being the butt of the joke.

This week, as we hike with our kids in Park City, Utah, my husband and I are also semi-recovering from some real zingers pitched from the back seat by our cranky and claustrophobic teens on the long drive here.

“You were cool back when Hugh Grant was attractive (aka...“a long time ago”).”

Zing!

When Mr. Van Geffen announced delightedly, “Only four hours until our favorite hotdog stand!” he was accused of being, “Michael Scott on mushrooms,” (Zing!) and “fixated on time tracking.” Zing again!

And here’s the truth: I can be really good at dishing it back. But because my gift of doing impressions of people (seriously, I’m really good at it) can easily be perceived as mocking or meanness by my teens, I intentionally don’t dish it back...even though I AM REALLY GOOD AT IT.

But this talent of mine also gives me the capacity to receive in good humor my son’s inherited knack for mimicry, even when it’s sometimes a mirror turned on me in an unflattering moment.

Last week, in the midst of packing overwhelm, I stormed into his room to talk through what he needed to do to get ready for our trip. As soon as I started to speak, my son swiftly stood up, widened his eyes and lifted his eyebrows to the moon, then in a harsh staccato performed a brilliant reproduction of me at that particular moment:

“I. Just. Need. To. Get. This. Off. My. Plate! Can. I. Count. On. You?”

I paused. He nailed it! That was exactly how I was acting – so intense! I laughed. The tightness in my shoulders melted instantly.

My son’s playfulness toward me helped defuse the situation.

And in turn, I helped strengthen our connection by accepting his attempt to reach out to the real me by “punching up” during what could have been a strained moment.

But it took a sense of humor for both of us to really “see” each other.

Our children need time for their senses of humor to develop.

The same son who delivered that timely, flawless and disarming impersonation of me as my pre-vacation, stressed-out self was once a charming and curious four-year-old who repeatedly asked us, “Is that a joke? Is that funny?”

As I write this, there’s an awful “joke” sweeping TikTok that hurts my heart. Parents invite their young child to bake with them and then once the camera is on, they surprise their child by cracking an egg on their forehead. Zing!

The pained looks of confusion, embarrassment and betrayal on the children’s faces are heartbreaking to witness.

On one hand, I get it! This generation of parents has been seeking dopamine hits off the internet for years, and we don’t always realize when our drive to create content may be unintentionally corrosive to our hard-won connection with our kids.

But the thing is, children need lots of time for their senses of humor to develop. Toddlers and elementary-aged kids have frontal lobes that are just starting to come online. They need years of maturation to understand certain kinds of humor (pranking, teasing, and sarcasm included).

They also easily startle, which releases the stress hormone (cortisol) to help keep them safe when in danger. When frightened, their bodies literally feel in life or death danger.

Children’s maturing brains don’t know the difference between a funny prank and a personal attack.

An attempt at humor commingled with a smack to the forehead, egg or not, can easily be perceived as an assault on their personhood and on our secure relationship.

I’m all about using playfulness and humor to break the tension in your relationship with your Spicy Ones™, but the Spicy One™ is notorious for taking pranks too far. As the adults in charge, it’s our job to receive our kids’ clumsy (and clever) attempts at connection, to regulate our own responses, and to protect our children from grownup joking that they can’t yet fully understand or appreciate.

As one of my followers shared this week, “A joke is only funny if two people are laughing.”

Another person offered the helpful adage, “If it’s not fun for all, it’s not fun at all.”

If you’ve found yourself unconsciously “punching down” by using developmentally inappropriate attempts at humor with your kids, take heart! It’s not too late to repair.

Here's a step-by-step guide to a great apology. A clear expression of your desire to do better goes a long way, no matter your child’s age.

Our kids are still learning to understand and use humor to connect with us. Let’s help them feel safe and loved as they develop into adults who know how to care for others well.