Your Oldest Child Has An Unfair Advantage
So there I was on the phone with my mom asking which of the living room paintings I'd like to inherit. "Just pick whichever ones you want," she beamed. I delicately told her these old masters weren't my vibe.
“Well now I’ll ask the boys and hopefully they’ll have more respect for our family portraits,” she responded. I had to laugh. Classic firstborn privilege at work, right? Giving the oldest the first pick.
This isn’t unusual in most families. I wonder how these subtle advantages compound over time, especially when we might not even notice we're doing it.
The Science of Firstborn Advantage (Yes, It's Real!)
Your younger children aren't imagining things when they complain that big brother or sister gets more. Research confirms what they've suspected all along! The New York Times recently highlighted studies that found the oldest sibling in a family tends to get the highest grades in school.
This isn't just perception—researchers could measure these differences as early as a child's first birthday. Firstborns scored higher on cognitive tests compared to their younger siblings at the same age.[2]
Why does this happen? Well, if you're a parent of more than one child, you already know. First off, we take better care of our prenatal health with first pregnancies (goodbye sushi, hello prenatal vitamins!).
Then after birth, we lavish more attention on that first baby during those crucial developmental months because, well, they're the only focus! With each additional child, our time, energy, and resources get divided further. I mean who hasn't relaxed screen time rules a bit with the second or third child? I'm raising my hand here, too!
When Being First Meets Being Female
"Oldest daughter syndrome" describes how firstborn girls frequently take on additional responsibilities—becoming backup parents, emotional caretakers, and family organizers.
"You're so mature for your age!" "You're such a good helper with your brothers!" "I don't know what I'd do without you!" These well-meaning compliments reinforce behaviors that can follow us into adulthood as perfectionism, difficulty delegating, and feeling responsible for everyone's emotional well-being. (Anyone else exhausted just reading that list?)
The research backs this up. Susan McHale at Penn State found that parents often develop beliefs about which child is "smarter" or "more responsible"—and these beliefs actually influence future performance.[1] Children labeled as "the smart one" get better grades over time, even when both siblings started with identical academic abilities. Parents' words create children's worlds.
Breaking the Pattern: Three Tips for Sibling Success
If you're noticing these patterns in your family (and honestly, we all have them to some degree), here are three research-backed strategies to help all your children thrive, especially the Spicy Ones who feel everything so intensely:
1. Guard against labeling. Catch yourself when you're about to say "she's my artistic one" or "he's my academic one." Children absorb these labels like little sponges, and they become self-fulfilling prophecies. Instead, recognize specific moments: "I noticed how passionately you stood up for your friend today" rather than "You're always so dramatic." Small shift, huge difference.
2. Strategically balance attention. Make time for one-on-one connection with each child, especially when a Spicy One might be consuming most of your emotional energy. Even 10 minutes of focused attention can help a middle or youngest child feel seen and valued for their unique qualities. This prevents the quiet ones from disappearing into the background of a noisy household.
3. Create sibling-only adventures. Foster relationships between your children that exist independently of you. Whether you send siblings to the backyard to build a fort or on a scavenger hunt around the neighborhood, these shared experiences build bonds that transcend birth order advantages and help Spicy Ones learn collaboration instead of constant direction.
Feeling overwhelmed by sibling dynamics?
You're not alone! Join me LIVE tomorrow for Part Two of Siblings School where we'll transform those "Mom, she took my toy!" moments into opportunities for genuine connection.
You'll learn practical conflict resolution skills you can teach your children, effective strategies for mediating sibling disagreements, and leadership tips to guide your strong-willed children toward authentic friendship. These techniques work whether your Spicy One is the oldest, youngest, or somewhere in between!
The recording of Part One is ready to watch now. Secure your spot today and take the next step toward a more peaceful, connected family. Your future self—and your children—will thank you!
As always, scroll down to the bottom for This Week On The 'Gram.
Rooting for you,
Mary
References
[1] McHale, S. M., Updegraff, K. A., & Whiteman, S. D. (2018). Sibling Relationships and Influences in Childhood and Adolescence. Journal of Marriage and Family, 74(5), 913-930.
[2] Lehmann, J. K., Nuevo-Chiquero, A., & Vidal-Fernandez, M. (2018). The Early Origins of Birth Order Differences in Children's Outcomes and Parental Behavior. Journal of Human Resources, 53(1), 123-156.