Backwards Compliments No More!
You and I did not grow up with unconditional love. It wasn't a thing, NAME! Children were loved when they were lovable, and shunned when they were difficult. These days, I cultivate relationships where I can be my authentic self. As a child, you don't get that choice.
People who need me to show up perennially happy and entertaining take too much energy.
I recalled the burden of 'earning your keep' while playing a family game this weekend. My brothers and I gathered with my parents for my mom's 80th birthday. It was our most harmonious family visit yet.
I invited her to watch an episode of The Chosen for each day of Lent. What I thought would be cheesy and perhaps fundamentalist propaganda, was deep meaningful art! We bonded over shared tears and appreciation for the a chance to see Jesus in a new light. And heads-up: Simon is a babe.
Back to the game. When her turn came, my mom drew the card that asked everyone to guess what "I love most about the person to my left." I WAS ON HER LEFT! If you've followed me for any time, you know I cherish affirmations. I embrace my imperfect attempts at giving them. I try not to disassociate when receiving them. Words transform cultures and hearts.
My mother lacks practice in the vulnerable art of expressing appreciation for others. My guess is her parents were stingy with their praise as well.
But now she had to! Them's the rules! I melted into a blissful state of receptivity as everyone around the table began guessing what my mom might treasure most about me.
My dad suggested, "That Mary is successful." That comment felt off. It explained my Enneagram 3 wing. My husband offered, "What you love about her is the same thing you struggle with about her: how strong she is."
My mom nodded but replied, "No. What I love about Mary is her spirit when she's in a good mood!"
She was beaming. So was I at first. I was focused on her "loving my spirit." I crave the security of my mother genuinely enjoying me, not merely tolerating me. She's an easily drained introvert who prefers solitude. If she appreciates my spirit, surely she must enjoy my company despite her facial expressions suggesting otherwise.
Then I fully processed the qualifier "when she's in a good mood." I felt that familiar sting of conditional acceptance.
Your Spicy One recognizes that sensation too. When you're A Lot, you notice others' reactions to that A Lot-ness most pointedly during your low or upset moments. The times you most need to feel lovable. Yet a Spicy One's moods do spread like wildfire. I apologize on our behalf.
Her inability to unconditionally embrace me has fueled my life’s purpose. Moms of Spicy Ones group program was born out of pain. And it restarts next week. Each time I help a mother transform from merely coping with her boss baby to feeling compassionate and equipped, I do it for the mom who raised me with no emotional support.
No child should grow up feeling too broken or overwhelming to be appreciated. If you haven't joined the waitlist yet, sign up now—it comes with an exclusive discount and early access to bonus material!
Ideas for Loving Your Spicy One Unconditionally
Daily affirmations: "I see your big feelings, and I'm not scared of them. Your emotions don't determine your worthiness of love. I love you through storms and sunshine."
Mirror exercise: Stand with your child before a mirror. Take turns naming three qualities you appreciate about each other that have nothing to do with achievement, appearance, or behavior. Focus solely on who they ARE, not what they DO.
Unconditional acceptance statement: "I want you to know something important: there is nothing you could ever do, say, think, or feel that would make me love you less. My love for you doesn't depend on your mood, your grades, or your behavior. It's constant, like the sun—even when clouds hide it."
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Rooting for you,
Mary