They Called Me Rat Woman
In fourth grade, I made the mistake of bringing a mouse to school for Show-and-Tell. When a middle schooler asked if the animal in the cage was a rat, I freaked out Spicy One-style. I shook my head, contorted at the inaccuracy, and cried. That was all the bullies needed. For 4 years, each afternoon I approached the bus, a group of boys would yell "Here comes RAAAAT WOMAN," each competing to roll the R around on their spit-filled tongue the longest.
Thankfully, at home, my family sometimes called me Mimi. My parents likely started because my youngest brother couldn't pronounce Mary. To this day, if my mom is in a particularly loving mood, she calls me Memes. Can we give it up for a nickname of a nickname? Mr. Van Geffen calls me Mimi when he has something exciting to tell me. (Isn't it a shame that our beloveds don't use our terms of endearment when they're mad at us? Angry people make names longer: "Mary. Leigh. Van. Geffen. Get up these stairs and explain where you have been for the last three hours!")
These days in my Instagram private messages, I hear so many creative nicknames for strong-willed kids: Spicy Chicken, Zesty, Hammy (aka Hammer), Wild Willie, Chernoble. When one mom’s Spicy One was little, he destroyed everything in sight, so her husband called him Captain Destructo. Others share gems like Honey Badger, Captain Crazy, Mr. Hyde, Spicy Meatball, and Baby Sir. My favorite might be from the mom whose daughter is named Graham, and she calls her "Graham-bo" like Rambo.
Take note, my feral squirrel: most of us have a nasty name for our children that we mutter under our breath. To my daughter’s face, she is Hard Charger, Doggie, and Gina. When she’s hanging up on her dad because she might have to share her room with my office, we adults call her Diva. She would not like that one. One reader of mine was called Dictionary Head in elementary school because she was loquacious and hyperlexic. Look it up! Another reader was called Kimberly Whiner. Not cool, parents. But understandable.
In the loving family you are creating, a recipient of a name must like it for it to stick. The first time my boyfriend (who I'm now married to) used the L-word, he added a nickname that he will never live down. I said "I love you" to him and was shocked when he smiled and hugged me, but said nothing in reply. Hours later, fuming, I demanded, "What are we doing here? Do you love me?"
His awkward response: "Of course I love you, Murphy!"
Up until this point, the name Murphy had not been introduced into our relationship. I am by no means a Murphy. I don't know where it came from, and I'm happy to say it was never used again. Though occasionally on our anniversary, I like to whisper, "Of course I love you, Murphy."
Positive nicknames are a powerful connection point to your Spicy One. Three peer-reviewed research studies* indicate that nickname usage strengthens family bonds, improves family culture, and is correlated with family cohesion, particularly when nicknames are perceived as positive or affectionate by recipients.
A nickname is likely positive when:
Your child smiles, looks pleased, or shows other signs of happiness when they hear it
They use the nickname themselves or ask to be called by it
The nickname highlights a genuine strength or lovable quality
Your child introduces themselves to others using the nickname
They incorporate the nickname into their drawings or play
If you're unsure, simply ask: "How do you feel when I call you [nickname]?" For younger children, watch their body language—turning toward you or laughing suggests approval, while turning away or frowning may indicate discomfort.
Some of the best nicknames evolve naturally, but if you need a little help:
Story-Inspired Names: Read a favorite book together and notice which characters your child connects with. Ask, "Which character reminds you of yourself? Which reminds you of me?" Use these as conversation starters: "I notice you love when Winnie the Pooh finds honey. Would you like a honey-inspired nickname like 'Honey Bear' or 'Sweet Bee'?" This indirect approach feels less vulnerable than creating nicknames from scratch.
Superhero Identity Games: Ask your child what special power they wish they had or what they're already good at. Maybe they're fast, creative, or kind. Together, brainstorm superhero names based on these qualities: "Lightning Lucy" for someone quick, "Creative Carlos" for an artistic child. This frames nicknames around their strengths, making it affirming rather than arbitrary.
May you utter nicknames that connect rather than rile up your Sour Patch Kid.
Rooting for you,
Mary