Help the Spicy One be kinder to their sibling
How's it going in the trenches of sibling warfare at your house? If you've got a Spicy One who makes it their personal mission to torment their siblings, I SEE YOU. I remember.
Those big feelings that make your Spicy One so gloriously determined and passionate can sometimes translate into, well... throwing toys at their brother's head. Or the meanest put-downs hurled at sister.
I usually share personal stories and quick tips in these newsletters, but today I'm mixing things up! I've been deep-diving into research about Spicy Ones and their response to parenting. These evidence-based strategies align PERFECTLY with what we'll cover in Siblings School, and I wanted to give you a taste of the science-backed magic we'll be working with!
1. Sprinkle Your Parenting with Respect
Churchill's research (2003) shows that when parenting approaches match a child's temperament—what she calls "goodness-of-fit"—those challenging behaviors drop DRAMATICALLY. Your Spicy One needs clear boundaries WITH respect for their autonomy (tricky combo, I know!).
Try this: When your Spicy One lashes out at a sibling, stay calm but firm: "I get that you're MAD your sister took your sparkly unicorn. Totally valid feeling! But in this family, we don't hit. Let's figure this out together." This respects their big emotions while maintaining your non-negotiables.
2. Ditch Punishment —Try Problem-Solving Instead
Research by Stright and colleagues (2008) found that our Spicy Ones respond WAY better to explanations and collaborating on solutions than to time-outs or consequences. This effect is MORE pronounced in Spicy Kids than in their Mild Child siblings!
Try this: Next time the sibling drama escalates, wait for the storm to pass, then get curious: "When you pinched your brother earlier, what was happening for you? What could work better next time?" Then LISTEN and brainstorm together. Your Spicy One might surprise you with their insightful solutions!
3. Pour On the Positive—Your Spicy One Is Extra Responsive!
Here's the COOLEST thing I've learned from Belsky and Pluess (2009): Spicy Ones aren't just more sensitive to negative discipline—they're SUPER-RESPONDERS to positive parenting too! With the right approach, these kids don't just catch up to their peers—they often zoom right past them in social skills!
Try this: Become a detective for positive sibling moments: "WOW! I just saw how you helped your little brother reach that toy. You're such a caring big sister!" Your Spicy One soaks up this specific praise like a sponge, and you'll see more of what you acknowledge
4. Sidestep Power Struggles with Natural Consequences
Bates and colleagues (2012) confirmed what you probably already know—Spicy Ones have RADAR for control attempts and will fight back HARD (often taking it out on siblings). They're wired to push back against "Because I said so!"
Try this: Skip the demands and focus on natural outcomes: "When people get pushed, they don't usually want to keep playing. If you want your brother to stay and build LEGOs with you, you'll need to find a different way to let him know you're frustrated." Your Spicy One's brilliant mind can connect these dots!
5. Bring the Warmth AND the Clarity
A major research review by Kiff and others (2011) found that Spicy Ones THRIVE with parenting that balances big love with crystal-clear boundaries. Half measures don't cut it with these kids—they need the full package!
Try this: When sibling battles break out, wrap your boundaries in connection: "I love your passionate spirit TOO MUCH to let you hurt your sister. In this family, bodies are always safe." Then offer a time-in with you AND help finding a solution to the original problem.
Remember, your Spicy One's intensity isn't a flaw—it's their SUPERPOWER in the making. They need your help navigating those big feelings, ESPECIALLY around siblings who know how to push all their buttons.
For more support and worksheets, join me LIVE in Siblings School .