What I’d Do Differently
At 5 years old, my Spicy One could be incredibly defiant. During one episode, I floundered for "natural consequences" rather than punishment.
She disobeyed my rule of no climbing on the empty stage at a park meetup, so I insisted she ride in her toddler seat instead of her new booster as punishment for "using up my energy." I know - it was a stretch.
The no-stage boundary was only in place to avoid the judgment of other mothers. A mom in my group had declared it off-limits. All the other children nodded at the arbitrary rule and found something else to play with.
Not my child. She strode up to that stage and owned it before I could drag her off.
"That's it. We are leaving!" I hissed. Taking her hand (more gently than I wanted to), we crossed the parking lot towards my car. She dug her fingernails into my hand. I got down to her level (like all the books say to!!) and whispered, "That hurts me. Please don't pinch me," my face neutral in case others were watching.
She gripped deeper, throwing her head back and laughing joylessly.
At the car, she tumbled defiantly into the forbidden booster seat. She stared ahead with wide eyes and a cold-blooded smile like the sophisticated villain facing the country sheriff in a dusty, isolated town. I could almost smell the cigarette smoke her character would exhale were this a western film.
We were in a standoff I had no chance of winning.
"I know you don't like the preschool car seat. But that is the consequence for choosing to disrespect my rules," I said firmly.
"I hate you," she replied, staying put. My chest tightened. My breathing grew shallow.
"Do you want me to hit you?" she threatened, hurling a weak swat across my chest.
"Please don't hit me. That would be hurtful. Mommy doesn't hit you!" I pleaded.
My inner critic raged: "What kind of mother lets her child hit her? Why aren't I worthy of respect?"
"I'm never getting in my seat," she sang, happy to do this all day.
Then suddenly, like a road at night that abruptly dead ends, my patience vanished.
Through gritted teeth, I spat, "It's time now to get in the seat. I've waited for 5 minutes. Now I'm going to count to 5 and if you're not in your seat, I'm going to put you in myself."
Threats feel delicious when they come off your tongue. Power restored. In that state of mind, I no longer cared about the relational cost. She responded (in fear) by scrambling into the car seat.
Had I won? No. On the ride home she sing shouted, "Shut your mouth. I'm never gonna like you again," despite ME SAYING NOTHING.
What I'd Do Differently Now
Looking back, I see so many missed opportunities where I could have deepened our connection instead of widening the divide.
I wish I had focused on teaching rather than punishing. That baby seat "consequence" was an arbitrary punishment designed by my ego to feel like I had subdued her.
I wish I had trusted my instincts. Park stages are meant for singing on! What an incredible chance for her to practice being the diva and CEO she was born to be.
I wish I had connected before directing. Gone up on stage, gotten low, smiled into her eyes, and said, "You love being on stage, don't you? I see that." Then offered a compromise: "This stage is tall and could hurt to fall from. I'll stay here to show you the line to stand behind. If you can stay behind the line, you can stay on the stage." Or simply gone up and playfully reinforced my boundary.
KIND Class: Tools for Your Toughest Parenting Moments
For parents of Spicy Ones who want to:
Have a step-by-step plan for overwhelming moments of defiance
Feel confident rather than guilty about your responses
Set limits that improve your relationship
Stay connected with your out-of-control child in heated moments
Get on the same page with your partner through shared tools
Watch KIND class for $49. These aren't parenting fantasies. They're skills you can learn. In this self-paced class, you'll discover:
Four concrete, immediately actionable techniques to deepen connection while inviting cooperation
Foundational tools for building a healthy, long-term relationship with your child
How to trust your own inner knowing instead of outside noise about the "right" way to parent
The difference between that day at the park and my approach now isn't just about having more patience. It's about having a reliable framework that works even when my emotional resources are depleted.