When Your 'Special Day' Feels Like Every Other Day
So there I was on Mother’s Day, wearing a macaroni necklace that pinched my neck hairs, sipping lukewarm coffee that tasted vaguely of dish soap, while simultaneously wiping syrup off the headboard (how did it get there?!) and smiling gratefully at my Spicy One who was SO PROUD of the breakfast surprise.
My mother-in-law was texting about when we’d be arriving at her house (apparently my “special day” needed to include a 45-minute drive and bringing a side dish), and my husband was looking at me with those hopeful puppy eyes that said, “You’re happy, right? Tell me you’re happy so I can check ‘Mother’s Day’ off my list and go watch the game.”
And y’all, I smiled and nodded while a tiny voice inside me whispered, “Is this seriously it? Is this the big celebration of the hardest job I’ve ever had?”
Anyone else feeling like Mother’s Day is just another opportunity to feel like you’re failing at enjoying motherhood “correctly”?
Thankfully, your worth as a mother is not measured by how well your family can organize a brunch.
I’m here as your parenting coach and fellow mom-crawling-out-of-the-trenches to say what we’re all thinking: Sometimes Mother’s Day sucks harder than trying to vacuum glitter out of the carpet. And while society tells us to “just be grateful” for any crumb of appreciation, I’m giving you full permission to want more without drowning in guilt.
You are allowed to feel disappointed AND worthy simultaneously. Mother’s Day falling short doesn’t mean you’re unappreciated - it might just mean your family lacks the emotional intelligence and planning skills to execute a meaningful celebration.
Dem’s the rules, folks. I call it the Low Bar Miracle of Mother’s Day: The less you expect, the more you’ll enjoy, BUT don’t confuse low expectations with believing you don’t deserve celebration. You absolutely do.
Let’s be real about what Mother’s Day often looks like for many of us:
The “breakfast in bed” disaster - Where somehow ALL the eggs got used and you’re secretly calculating how long it’ll take to restore your kitchen to functional status while pretending that cold, soggy toast is delicious.
The mandatory mother-in-law pilgrimage - Where you become the photographer, child-wrangler, and emotional support human while your husband’s family celebrates… his mom. And somehow you’re also in charge of the gift from your children to her?
The clueless partner syndrome - Where your partner didn’t help your children prepare anything meaningful because “they wanted it to be from them,” - which translates to “I didn’t want to put in the effort” in grown-up language.
Which of these has been your Mother’s Day reality? Or do you have your own special version of Mother’s Day disappointment?
WHAT’S REALLY GOING ON HERE? It’s not actually about the pancakes or presents. It’s about feeling unseen in your role. It’s about carrying the mental load 364 days a year and wanting just ONE day where someone else carries it for you. It’s about wanting evidence that others recognize the depth and difficulty of what you do every single day.
Your “How to Actually Enjoy Mother’s Day” Action Plan
Here’s where I’d normally say something gentle and understanding, but instead, I’m going to be your sassy auntie who’s had enough: ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
Yes, it would be magical if your family could read your mind and plan the perfect day. But your partner isn’t Professor X, and your Spicy One is still figuring out that you exist as a person separate from their needs. So use your words, mama.
Try this script: “Mother’s Day is this weekend, and it would make me feel really loved if we could [specific activity] and if I could have [specific amount of time] to myself. Can we plan that together?”
My client Shelly had a meltdown three Mother’s Days ago because she ended up at a brewery with her husband’s friends. (Nothing says ‘we value your motherhood’ like watching men discuss hops while your toddler tries to lick the floor.) That happened because she thought wanting something specific made her high-maintenance.
Now she knows better. Last year she said, “I want two hours alone at the bookstore, then takeout that I don’t have to pick up or clean up after.” And guess what? BEST MOTHER’S DAY EVER.
Alternative celebration ideas that might actually recharge you:
A hotel room. Alone. Just for napping and watching TV without anyone touching you. And maybe watching my How To Say No (without feeling guilty) class to strengthen your Standing-Up-For-Yourself skills. Use 30% off coupon until next Friday: 30OFFSAYNO
A day where no one asks you where anything is or what’s for dinner.
Your partner taking the kids on an all-day adventure that doesn’t involve you playing cruise director.
A full set of the sexy book series: A Court of Thorns and Roses: Already read those? Try Guild based on the myth of King Midas but hotter.
And remember: advocating for your needs models healthy behavior for your Spicy One. You’re teaching them that mothers are people with needs and desires, not just service providers with endless reserves.
The Bottom Line: Your family’s ability (or inability) to celebrate you properly isn’t a reflection of how much you are genuinely appreciated and valued as a mother. Some partners just suck at planning meaningful occasions. Some kids are too young to understand. Some mother-in-laws are… well, mother-in-laws.
But you deserve to feel special, appreciated, and seen. Whether that happens on Mother’s Day or you have to create it for yourself the following Tuesday, don’t lose sight of this truth: You are doing the hardest, most important work there is.
And from one mother of a Spicy One to another - I see you, I value you, and I think you’re doing an amazing job.
With love and an inappropriate amount of Mother’s Day chocolate,
PS: In Siblings School Part 1, we ditched the "best friends forever" fantasy and embraced the beautiful chaos of sibling life. Turns out those daily squabbles are building your kids' conflict resolution muscles!
I shared my own sibling struggles (hello, hipster atheist coffee-roasting brother!), walked through how our unconscious favoritism impacts kids for decades, and gave you permission to pop those emotional zits when your kiddos need to vent about their siblings. Watch the recording here and join us for Part 2.